Dreams and Fears 14

The beginning number of the musical Mama Mia started playing in my head when I saw last week’s #kinderblog13 prompt word: DREAM

(If you can’t see the video click here)

…then I continued to draw a blank and went through my week without knowing how to start writing. Hmm…

So, Saturday rolls around again, I haven’t written anything and a new prompt word is given: FEAR. Then, @MauiMickey tweets that she is going to combine all five #kinderblog13 prompt words into one post. In comes the “Aha!” moment…

I’ve got another confession I didn’t put in my ‘Confess’ post: I fear sharing my dreams.

Yep, I couldn’t really begin last week’s post because I was afraid to share the dreams I have for my career and things that I wish I could do, or what I could grow to become. I fear people thinking I am not skilled or knowledgeable enough to accomplish my dreams. I fear being judged more than any adult should and as a result I often choose to hide rather than speak. My confidence takes a while to build up and it comes over time, after being able to build relationships with those around me. Often though, this fear has bound me so tight that I have sat and watched more than one opportunity pass me by. Just look at me, I’m having an easier time describing my fear to you all and I have yet tackled the ACTUAL fear… I haven’t yet shared a single dream with you, have I?

Okay, here goes nothing…(my heart is pounding right now)

I dream, that one day I might be confident enough to be more of a leader in this field that we all work in. I know that the first step would be to get over my fear so I can finally gain confidence.

I see my colleagues heading curriculum teams, leading PD sessions and/or workshops, even the folks at #kinderchat do such amazing things.  I look up to all of them, and I hope that one day maybe I’d possess enough knowledge and skills to do some of the things I see everyone accomplishing. There are many teachers I have met both in the workplace, and now through Twitter, whom I admire and love learning from. I feel that these people have been very influential in my teaching and my growth as a teacher. I dream that one day I will be able to have that sort of influence on others and do for them what all of these wonderful people have done for me. The one trait I feel that they all possess is, confidence. Until I can gather enough of my own, I know that I won’t get there. I need to squish that little voice that says “No one thinks you’re capable.”

I am not delusional, I don’t think I could jump up and suddenly do all of these things right now, I’ve still got a lot of learning to do before I can offer something back. What I do know is that maybe if I wasn’t so afraid, I might be able to accomplish my dream more quickly and not let so many opportunities pass me by.  I’d be able to take some baby steps and accomplish smaller things that would eventually help lead me toward what I hope to become.

I started this blog in the hope that I’d be able to begin this process of sharing what I know and have learned within my teaching career. So far, #kinderblog13 has given me a reason to write this summer and I am ever so grateful for it. However, I’ve been hiding behind it a little and haven’t blogged anything else apart from responses to the challenge. I think it’s time I didn’t hide behind the comfort of these prompt words anymore and begin the process of trying to make this blog what I hope it can become. So, I promise, that my next post will be about something I think I have to share.

Here’s to getting over my fears and reaching for my dreams. Fingers crossed!

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14 thoughts on “Dreams and Fears

  • hechternacht

    Really beautiful post Pana. THIS is bravery in action! Each one of us has felt exactly like you- and I often STILL DO! 😀 Just keep going and it gets easier!

    The prompts are exactly that and you’ve used them beautifully in your amazing blog! Congratulations to YOU! You can do anything you put your mind to and look how much you’ve done already! Amazing!!

    Much Love,

  • Patty Nault

    You have so much to share! I’ve enjoyed and related to all of your #kinderchat challenge posts. I am currently stuck on Dreams+Fears=Nightmare! The challenges have brought me back to my love of writing, but my insecurities continue to hold me back from posting more often. Once I’m back learning with kids in the classroom, I know i will have much more to share. That is my dream. My fear is I won’t have the time to continue with my blogging and tweeting. It’s all so new and scary. I need time to build confidence. I will have my fingers crossed for you and please do the same for me.

  • Erica

    Dear Pana,

    I absolutely loved this post. How brave of you. Step 1 in achieving your goals was accomplished right here! Congratulations!
    Don’t think that you don’t have the ability to lead a group of professionals right now. You have many years of experience, all over the world and your unique approach to teaching and working with children is something all teachers could learn from.
    This idea that we need to be some kind of super-human before we can start offering our opinions or stepping into leadership roles is a misconception. Who you are right now as a teacher and what you have to share is fresh, important and will be deeply inspiring with those you share it with.
    I believe your dreams are not only achievable, but I think you will be one of the best leaders in education I’ve ever met!

    Good luck living your dreams. How fortunate those around you will be to learn from you!
    Erica (your VSA friend!)

    • panalee@gmail.com Post author

      Erica thank you so much for your lovely words! I will continue to try my best to build my confidence and work toward my dreams 🙂 Thank you for reading my post and hope you continue to follow future posts 🙂

  • Maggie

    Wow Pana, so eloquent! Can’t believe you feel like this, I’m aghast! You have soo much to share! I think about the ideas I picked up from you when I visited you in your class last year! Don’t ever underestimate your knowledge, skills and practice! You are amazing -remember that we are life long learners, and you’ve learned lots and have a huge amount to share.

    • panalee@gmail.com Post author

      Hi Maggie! I am more confident around people and fellow teachers I know well, naturally 🙂 I’m working on developing that confidence even amongst colleagues I may not know so well yet. I’ll start here on the blog and hopefully slowly leak it into my work place. Thanks for your support! I miss you!

  • Faige Meller

    Your heartfelt words spoke to me as I too started to blog in answers to kinderblog13 prompts. This has been an amazing learning curve. Keep it up can’t wait to learn more with you.

  • Michelle Quinn

    I have just found your site and can’t wait to read more after this post. You are so brave to even start a blog.

    I, too, have watched opportunities pass by because of fear. Have you read the book Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking Book by Susan Cain?

    It talks about how much quiet people can influence and shape discussions and how key their knowledge can be.

    I look forward to following your blog!
    Michelle @togolightly

    • panalee@gmail.com Post author

      Hi Michelle, Thanks for visiting my blog! No I haven’t read that book yet but perhaps I should head to the book store. Thanks! I’ll be sure to pick it up soon 🙂